My 360 of life

Hola hola my lovely blog ❤️ and Here am I coming after a longgggg time ehek 🙈

What I’ve in my thoughts tonight, I was thinking on how I’m gonna leave this ramadhan. This year ramadhan is so special to me. My turning point starting from this month and I’m so blessed that I found my Love Lord. I found myself, and lost myself while working on to be better. Ups and down journey with Allah. I talk to Allah every single thing and He always make it ease, or else He replace with the goodness & blessings. 

I’m gonna share my life story, it was really meaningful & I’m gonna read it by my own every time I feel down. 

Thru out my life, I’ve experienced panic attack & it was so helpless at that time. I think if I’m not control myself I will undergone many episodes. Allahu Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem was so kind and have mercy on me. On my uni life, I’m always crying, not be grateful, lonely (cause I think I’m not enough) and all the negativity comes all together until I’m having thoughts of suicide. At this time, mental health awareness is not very famous & all that I can do is keep inside my heart. Not telling anybody about it. I really struggle to fight myself, somtimes I heard whispers that say you’re not loved, you’re not supposed to be in earth, no ones cares about you. I’m at the world of many people & friends but I feel nothing at all.You know what, I’m sick all this time, I just knew that. I admit that I’ve done many sins, I ignore love letter from God (Quran al karim), I left my Love Lord, I try to find peace in other things that I thought it would be fun but isn’t. I felt numb, I’m not myself. I’m so broken and my heart was shattered into pieces. But I’m not regret of every single thing that happen in my life. I keep on asking Allah, sometimes I cried, I still blaming myself. I beg Him to help me and guide me cause I’m not even love myself. It was hurtful story of mine. 

Then, on my final year studies, I’m starting to find myself & appreciate myself I have my own life goals, I achieved it. I started to make myself beautiful, I learn how to do make up thinggy, I joined online coaching for weight loss and I become more confident. I’m proud of myself, I’m making my circle smaller and it feel more at ease.

But I’m still holding my ego, I thought that I was the perfect one. I thought that people know everything about this life and make more assumption, have high expectations to human, love to argue all the things that I think is not perfect like this, supposed to be like this. At that time, I’m also fear of losing my friends, losing my joyful life. I keep on pleasing people, I’m being dramatic and usually not take the blame on me. Point out to others. Ohhh Thinking about it make me feel shame & funny. I’m so toxic guys. I knew that.

As times goes by, Allah meet me with the kind souls people in my life. MasyaAllah, Allah open my heart to understand people, my mistakes, forgive myself, forgive others, not having any hatred towards others & keep my circle small. Allah open my heart to learn how to know human character, their way of communication and at the same time I learned about myself. I’m very likely to love myself that time. I ask Allah to show me, the right path & choose for me my friends that brings me to Him, and amazingly He makes it true, there’s a few people that left my circle. At first I feel so sad and I crieddd out loud cause I really love them with all my heart. But it turns that Allah plans is better than mine. I take time to healing myself, I rely everything on Him. I was so broken again I lost again. I’m doing my sins again. Deep inside my heart, I miss myself, I miss my peace & calmness every time I reminded to Allah, I miss doing worship to Him, I miss my routine, I miss my consistency and planning. my journaling, and I miss Allah the most. I was in calamity and I don’t know how to calm myself down. I’m having another panic attack. I prayed to Allah, pleased Him to Guide me through His journey. 

I’m not in love with myself and He, the Most Loving showed me the way. Alhamdulillah, He fix and mended my heart again, He gives me chances and I think its a lot of it before this. I was so grateful ya rabbi. You make me love with Your presence and I really can’t live without You. I started to stand up again, I’m fighting myself harder, fight my ego! this time I learn to add value in my life, to forgive myself & others, to appreciate myself more, to love myself more, to enjoy all the little things in my life. I begin to learn to be a better servant and muslim. I top up myself with ‘ilm, and I feel so close to You. I love doing my ibadah to You. I love when I’m talking to You. I love it when I’m feeling down again and I rise up with You. Not alone, with Your loved ones too, Prophet Muhammad pbuh. I feel alive with You. I feel serenity and happiness. I’m not pleasing human this time, I’ m pleasing You. MasyaAllah, it was awesome! It will be great If I can share this feelings with you guys. I will never leave you. Ya Allah Ya Tawwab, Ya Affuww, Ya Ghaffar, please forgive me. I’m returning back to You. 

I learn many too many things in my life, here’s my summary for my learning:

- I learn how to be grateful with everything that He blessed me

- Attract energy with positive mind & see good in every situations. (Negative feelings will eventually come as well but try to control your emotions, thoughts, mind & heart) do istighfar A LOTTT and say hamdalah A LOT after that. 

- I learned that Your plan is the greatest and better than my plan. I’m decreasing my worries, it felt very calm

- People come and go, and You’re the one that moving their heart. I know nothing about what’s in people heart & know that issa waste of time to please people and have assumptions, no expectations to human. 

- Inspire people, never force them and give a lot of love, know that everyone have their own difficulties, have empathy.

- chase for knowledge & dreams. Love will eventually come

- World, joy, sad, pain are temporary. He tests us, He loves us. He tests us with what we capable. 

- Love yourself more before you love others, and you will not disappoint in your life. 

- Love your parents, family comes first, Good friends are gems, choose someone that reminding you of Allah (Allah send ppl in your life for a reason either good or bad it

- Your permanent life is your end goal, jannatul firdaus. May Allah grant us all to enter paradise, Allahuma aamiin 

And I feel relieved and better. Please pray for me to istiqamah in my worships to Allah. I’m nobody without Him. May you guys istiqamah in your worships too. 

Thank you for reading. I love you guys lillahita’ala ☺️❤️

In remembrance of memories of pandemic Covid-19, memories of ramadhan & syawal with incomplete of my family. 2020 was a tough year and it’s May now today 28 Ramadhan 1441 H, MCO day 64 (ohh now it’s PKPB) 

It’s getting better now, Alhamdulillah, Thank you Allah for protect us & response to our prayers. ❤️✨